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The Selman-Troytt Commemoration

An Overview of Selman-Troytt's Life and Work

Date

Jeremy's Life

Cultural Context

Historical Events

1865

Abraham Lincoln assassinated. Failed attempts to clean the blood from his clothes prompt new research into stain-removal agents.

Alfred Nobel invents dynamite, losing both hands in the process.

1868

 

 

 

 

 

 

1878

Jeremy Selman-Troytt born to ruthless and brutal glazing magnate, Josiah Selman-Troytt, just as Josiah hands over management of Selman-Troytt Glazing to the infamous triumvirate of John, Jonah and Jonas, Jeremy's older siblings. From the age of four Jeremy shows an aversion to glass which infuriates his father.

Bored with sitting at home doing nothing, Jeremy slowly begins to direct his own education. Tentatively, but then with increasing confidence, he begins a correspondence with the leading thinkers, scientists and political figures of the day.

Selman-Troytt Glazing, already one of the biggest companies in England, begins a push towards creating a monopoly in the United Kingdom. The immense wealth produced by the company subsidises Jeremy's lifestyle and funds much of his later research.

Daniel String, an American, invents a high-protein mixture of peas and corn which he sells as 'Canned Mush'. He becomes very wealthy as Americans devour it in quantity.

Pierre Rochemel (French) designs and builds the world's first mechanical prepuce retractor. A floor-standing model, it is an instant success. He is feted all over Europe.

Alexander Graham Bell (Scot) invents the telephone and uses it to call Rochemel and order a prepuce retractor.

Thomas Edison (American) invents the record player just months after it has been invented by someone else. The first record in history is scratched by his assistant.

First riveted jeans sold to miners by Levi Strauss

 

 

Battle of the Little Big Horn

1882

 

 

 

 

 

 

1886

 

 

1887

After experimenting on the household staff he determines upon a life of scientific research. Starts his own journal which he maintains relentlessly until his death. Begins an intense study of himself which will absorb him for the rest of his life. His father becomes more brutal.

Performs first unlicensed haemorrhoidectomy.

Publishes first monograph: 'Methodology of Acute Auto-Observation'

Becomes increasingly fascinated by minutiae and the ailments of the sick, particularly the wealthy sick. His first social relationships are with sick and enfeebled people who seek his opinions.

Thomas Edison (American) invents the light bulb only a year after it has been patented in England by Joseph Swan. His wealth increases.

Pasteur (French) administers first rabies vaccination. It is not a success and the patient begins to foam uncontrollably.

Thomas Edison (American) invents the contact lens only one year after Swiss ophthalmologist, Dr Frick.

C Herbert de Melville III (American) designs a big sandwich which he calls 'Big Sandwich'. It sells well and his wealth increases.

Phoenix Park Murders take place in Dublin

1892

 

 



1893

 

1895


1896

Achieves considerable notoriety with his sixth publication: The First Time I Soiled My Trousers. Many more of the ailing and confused begin to seek his advice, even though he is without formal qualifications.

Father now very brutal indeed.

Begins experiments with prosthetics by carving replacement limbs from ivory.

Proposes a cure for spatulitis, the uncontrolled widening of the distal phalanges of the hands suffered by typists. His cure involves the use of thin prosthetic finger extensions made from ivory.

Thomas Edison (American) invents the 'moving-picture camera' only three years after French inventor Louis Le Prince creates the first moving picture sequence using a single lens camera. Le Prince then disappears in mysterious circumstances and his son challenges Edison in court. The US court's initial ruling in favour of Edison is finally overturned. Edison then reissues his patents and controls the US film industry for decades.

Whitcomb Judson (American) patents the zip fastener. Jeremy appeals to him to halt production, citing potential injury to the prepuce if the zip is used in trouser flies, but Judson ignores his entreaties saying that he has no interest in anything other than making money. He becomes very wealthy as more things are 'zipped' together. Many prepuces are damaged, some irrecoverably.

1898

 

 

Experiences first nocturnal emission and publishes an account of it. It is an instant bestseller and his consulting practice enlarges. Encouraged, he embarks on a search for a wife. Begins a series of high-profile liaisons. Increasingly targeted with death threats by political and religious extremists.

Hardy publishes Jude the Obscure but readers are scandalised by Hardy's fictional accounts of Jude's trouser soiling. They consider him to be treating the subject with levity. Hardy removes the offending passages but the damage is already done. Critics label the book 'Jude the Obscene' and sales plummet. Hardy is mortified and never writes another novel.

Oscar Wilde (Irish) convicted of sodomy. Lumiere Bros. (French) try to buy the film rights to the trial from Wilde's wife.

1899

 

 

 


1905

 

Winston Churchill consults Selman-Troytt over persistent balanitis following his escape from a Boer prison camp and subsequent visit to a brothel in Laurenço Marques

Jeremy becomes very excited by George Oenslager's acceleration of the rubber vulcanisation process. He produces a pair of vulcanised-rubber trousers but they are too stiff to make walking practical.

Roentgen discovers x-rays. He gives enthusiastic demonstrations all over Europe, amazing and exciting audiences with 'live' pictures of his internal organs. He becomes the first person to die from radiation poisoning.



Koenig Vraysoff (American) invents the 'hotdog', a combination of wurst and bread. Millions are eaten. He becomes wealthy.

Boer War begins.

1907

 

 

 

1908

Experiences his first involuntary ejaculation. Publishes account to critical acclaim. Consulting practice enlarges and diverges.

Offers first consultation on erectile dysfunction.

A life-long frustration with the restrictive nature of normal joint-articulations culminates in his first abstract thesis Speculations Upon Improbable Joint Articulations

There is a rumour that Florence Nightingale will contribute her expertise on glans sanitation to Jeremy's latest work, but she is prevented by ill health.

Surgoaad and Tostov at Harvard Medical School attempt to prove that impotence is a state of mind. Under hypnosis, Surgoaad remains erect for 9 days 14 hours and 37 minutes. When he is finally 'awakened' by Tostov, he passes out.

Pierre Rochemel dies quietly in Paris, his floor-standing prepuce retractor all but forgotten.

 

First cases of obesity reported among US citizens.

1909

W. G. Grace consults Jeremy over his persistent failure to bring his wife (Agnes nee Day) to orgasm. Jeremy suggests a new method of labial stimulation and publishes the case as a monograph. Grace is subsequently barred from membership of the MCC.

Intense research pays dividends when Jeremy discovers that lanolin can soften seed pods.

Chuck Lydon (American) invents the 'Power Lunch', a meal that does not need to be chewed. Americans can now eat in their cars during the journey to the end of their driveways to collect their morning paper. It is a huge seller and he becomes wealthy.

Thomas Edison (American) discovers the proton only three months after Ernest Rutherford (English).



Proust (French) begins writing A La Recherche du Temps Perdu. It is almost finished in 1922 when he loses interest.

 

1912

 


1915

Jeremy opens his personal collection of dermal flakes to the public for a two-week exhibition.

Combines personal experience with professional research to publish Social and Sexual Etiquette in an attempt to reduce the shame and humiliation of physical congress.

The US Surgeon General reports that obesity among US citizens now affects 68% of the population. The US Supreme Court judges Judson's 'zips' too weak to fasten clothes reliably. Judson loses heavily in a class-action suit against two hundred fat plaintiffs who have suffered 'unexpected exposure'.

 

Great War starts

1916

 

 

 

 

 

1917

Jeremy Selman-Troytt dies under falling masonry. Birth control campaigner Mary Stopes delivers the eulogy at his funeral, confiding in public that she would have consented to congress with Selman-Troytt had he offered to wear a sheath.

Jeremy's work to date consists of 89 published volumes of investigation, 47 published monographs, 24 research papers, and 35 volumes of his personal journal - a total of some 150,000 pages of detailed observations. Statisticians calculate that 97.83% of the observations concern himself. His manuscripts reveal that he is close to a breakthrough in all areas of his research.

 

UK War Office equips British front line troops with Jeremy's vulcanised trousers to protect them on their walk across no man's land. Slowed by the trousers, many are shot in the upper torso.

Hoping to increase his fortune, Thomas Edison (American) begins work on 'inventing' a prepuce retractor for obese people who have lost sight of their genitals. He attempts to interest Henry Ford in its mass production but Ford is sceptical of its profitability and ease of use by those of large girth. An effort to demonstrate its simple controls goes horribly wrong and Ford's prepuce becomes mangled. He refuses to sell Edison a Ford car thereafter.

 

Einstein (Swiss) offers Theory of Relativity. Refuses to let Edison copy it.

 

 

America enters the Great War, prolonging it by another year.

Special Note for Web Historians
The Selman-Troytt Postcard Emporium is the oldest purveyor of E-cards on the Internet. A copy of our first Royal Warrant may be examined here. Since the granting of this illustrious award we have been patronised by aristocrats, many of whom insist upon using Selman-Troytt cards to express the depth and sincerity of their affections. Indeed many of our cards - particularly those concerned with incest and paedophilia - have been inspired by a close examination of the aristocracy.



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