The Selman-Troytt Commemoration The Selman-Troytt Commemoration Details of the published version of The Selman-Troytt Papers, which contains extensive additional material about Jeremy Selman-Troytt. Pub. by Old Street Publishing
Note from Mr Finlayson's personal assistant, Davina: Regrettably, our pith collection tool has been closed intermittently throughout 2007 due to the actions of spamming robots assaulting these pages with ads for sexual aids and drugs to enhance sexual performance. As our female researchers already have a full complement of favoured sexual devices with which they are entirely happy, and as our male employees are past the age where any drug could affect their sexual performance, there seemed little point in allowing the flow of ads to swamp the pearls of wisdom left by the more intelligent and more enlightened of our delightful visitors. However, we are trying several methods to prohibit robots whilst enabling humans, so please try to leave pith on this visit.
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Selman-Troytt Appreciation Society
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Name Comments
George (King of England)


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Posted: 17.12.2014 18:30

I\'ve been reading for ages and still wondering if you\'re normal!


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Posted: 19.12.2012 12:45

I take great pleasure in forwarding the site link on to friends and family whilst also making them aware of the Book and card selection.
kerchov ballisti


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Posted: 07.10.2010 08:25

a very academic site of deep knowledge! I give you my congratulations.
The Modesto Claimant

United States

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Posted: 31.01.2009 20:43

I am searching for information on the Modesto claimant.

Having searched your site, I fear it has been redacted.

This increases my suspicions that you have discovered the true identity of the Modesto claimant and in a vain attempt to hide this fact, you have excised all mention of the Modesto claimant from your pages.

Please explain
corn plaster

United Kingdom

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Posted: 20.01.2009 12:26

does anyone know where i can buy some corn plasters? I\'ve developed a corn alongside my normal collection of verrucas, warts and bunions and i want to give it the best possible care.
Routed by the economic decline

Burkina Faso

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Posted: 20.01.2009 05:11

life being somewhat tough at the margins of the Sahara desert, it dismays me that having saved for 20 years to exchange our local currency into Sterling in order to acquire a copy of the Selman-Troytt papers, our investment has been ruined by outkast_josie . Selling this great and revered tome for the sum of 1 penny.

Why only yesterday, I placed my order with another vendor for 53 pence. This is a 98 pct decline in the value of my investment.

I fear I shall be ruined. My plans to re-sell this work at great profit have been dashed.

Its back to shelling peas, somewhat seasonal, though pleasant work.

I can earn about 20 CFA for a week\'s work. And there are only 655 CFA to the Euro.
Finlay replies: I assume you are referring to the discrepancies in prices charged by various vendors? If so, I too find it incomprehensible. In places the book is on sale for more in 'used' condition than it is brand new! Extraordinary. But then I've never understood the complex world of commerce, being an academic whose relationship with money is distant at best. Having been fortunate enough to be the recipient of a private income since birth, I've never had to soil my hands with 'labour' in its truest sense, nor lower myself to indulge in fiscal transactions with tradespersons. I have all bills forwarded to my bank where they are handled by an understanding functionary, leaving me free to peruse the Selman-Troytt archive with a mind uncluttered by such distractions.

With regard to your own predicament and impending financial ruin, I'm at a loss to offer any advice beyond that which my father gave me when I achieved my majority: 'Try always to live within the weekly allowance I'm granting you, since spending beyond it will necessitate you coming to obtain more and there is always the possibility that I shall be out of doors and unable to satisfy your request as timeoeusly as you would wish.' I have always followed this advice and it has stood me in good stead.

I hope your peas are not wrinkling in the Saharan sun.
Joran Van Der Sloot

Netherlands Antilles

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Posted: 19.01.2009 16:14

I am on a beach in Aruba, getting sand blown beneath my prepuse.

I am repleat with satisfaction; full in the knowledge that the hardback edition of your great tome will be forthcoming, by packet steamer, to my abode.

Long furtive nights spent in idle self pleasure will now be enhanced by an indepth knowledge of the scientific nature of these notcurnal yearnings.

Ever yours
JVdS (not associated with Natalie Holloway or the other dude who has my name)
Finlay replies: Apologies for the delay in response but I've been on a ventilator since last Friday. Otherwise your revelations about your gritty prepuce would have prompted an emergency reply.

I have consulted with colleagues here and our suggestion is this: For the seven weeks during which you will be forced to sit on the beach awaiting the arrival of the packet steamer bearing your book, you should erect a genital windbreak to keep your prepuce free of wind-blown grains. We believe the windbreak can be fashioned simply and quickly using four 'lolly sticks' and a hanky. In the absence of lolly sticks, whittled twigs may be an efficacious substitute. Four sticks will fashion a small windbreak of three sections, which should be sufficient for your needs.

Try to place the three sections of windbreak in a such a way as surround the genitals completely, thereby protecting your prepuce from further onslaught and possible erosion.
Saint Nick


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Posted: 23.12.2008 03:44

Ho, ho, ho.

i am looking for guidance to assist with the exhuberance of elfin emission in this yuletide.

the mere act of whittling wood seems to cause seepage.

i can no longer support the cleaning bill and the downtime caused by moaning and post ejaculatory febrility.

all assistance from any location.

This is a busy time of the year, as you understand.

Ho, Ho Hum.

Santa Clause.
Robert Mugabe


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Posted: 12.12.2008 09:22

You guys are waaaaay too crazy! are you suffreing from cholera? We don\'t have any here but maybe you got some there?
Hairy Pillow


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Posted: 14.10.2008 15:15

I tried to leave pith twice before in the last few months and this form didn\'t work so I got totally pithed off! (sorry, couldn\'t resist )

My hat goes off to you. I LOVE the cards and now i can\'t ejaculate without thinking of this site. That makes it hard for me to maintain an erection, but I\'m not looking for compensation.
Finlay replies: We apologise unreservedly for this lapse in service, which has now been corrected.

I have questioned Davina closely about this matter and she tells me that she has it on very good authority, from the boy who re-inks her ribbons, that a 'problem' of some sort was at the root of this discontinuity. Yet, while we applaud his attempts to prove helpful, I am not sure that his information moves us much further forward in our quest for enlightenment.

In any event, as soon as the alarum was sounded regarding this 'problem', a tradesman was summoned and the problem corrected.

That we have attended to this matter only recently, rather than many months ago when it occurred, is attributable to the cerebral enfeeblement and constant loss of focus that age brings.

We thank you for your magnanimity in not pursuing us for financial recompense over your problem in maintaining an erection. I fear that a legal action would have availed you little anyway, since we are impoverished and have barely enough income for oysters and claret in these straitened times. My suggestion, the next time you experience impending flaccidity, is to use a penile splint of some kind. A temporary one can be fashioned for little money or effort by the efficacious use of some corrugated cardboard and gummed tape. If you write to me (enclosing a large SAE) I will send you a set of diagrams by return.



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Posted: 28.05.2008 15:58

Although by your definition a \'square head\', my sense of humour, like my creulty, knows no bounds. I am liking too much your Jeremy Selman-Troytt. I will introduce him to the people in my village, and tell them to read his memoirs or risk extermination. It\'s OK?

Sao Tome And Principe

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Posted: 09.03.2008 04:29



ENDS ++++
Bearded Lady

United States

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Posted: 13.02.2008 23:31

I love the sense of humor of this site. The valentine cards are the best i\'ve seen! Does the book have the same humor?
Finlay replies: Humour! What sense of humour? This site is dedicated to serious scientific and medical research designed to make people less-uncomfortable with the embarrassing and involuntary functions of their bodies.

I can assure that the book covers similarly important themes and topics, and is couched in similar terms, so if you've had the misfortune to discover mis-placed humour in one then doubtless you will suffer similar ill-effects from the other.

Humour indeed! Do you believe that Selman-Troytt devoted his life to a minute examination of his prepuce for your entertainment!
Woman (no beard) :o)3


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Posted: 11.02.2008 21:15

Am I the only one who hasn\'t bought this book! Sorry. Sue me. Love teh cards though. Found the perfect sentiment for the yummiest, sexiest, feistola machine in the world (Zoobs, you know who you are!!! Luv ya!!!!!) KST (without tongue!) xxxxxxxxx

Man with beard


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Posted: 11.02.2008 19:28

I hadn\'t been here for a while (indeed not since I last needed a card for dengue fever) and was amazed to see both a spanking new design and news of a book! Gadzooks and forsooth! I promptly ordered the book on a whim and experienced many a trouser filling moment and much public embarrassment. Am I supposed to thank you for this? It is now finished (the book, not the soling). Is anyone interested in a heavily soiled copy (of the book, not my trousers)? Best wishes to whoever (whatever?) wrote this feast for the vulgarian.

Love (and kisses on the bottom)

Man with beard

Man without beard


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Posted: 10.01.2008 16:07

Fantastic book! Finished it yesterday and really loved it. Now I\'m disappointed that I haven\'t got it to read again for the first time. Any chance of a second volume?
Count de Monte Christo

Western Sahara

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Posted: 01.12.2007 19:00

I\'m only a very recent convert to Jeremy\'s wonderfully useful teachings, having found out about this site from the book, so I realise that scarcely makes me current or hip and that anything nice I say will probably have already been said long ago. But I still wanted to record my praise anyway because I thought the book was tremendously funny and I think the whole site is a great achievement. In fact I was so enthusiastic about it that I recorded my praise on Amazon, so I hope I\'ve now done my bit to support the great man\'s works!

Hmmm ... having shown my support in that way, does that make me an \'honorary\' friend of the society, I wonder? ;o)

Big respect to all involved in this!


Count de Monte Christo

PS Not too pithy I know, but definitely sincere and heartfelt!
Finlay replies:

Dear Count (or should that be 'Comte' considering your background?)

Please excuse my tardiness in replying but I am connected to a ventilator and unable to move my limbs for most of the day, and too weak during the remainder to dictate responses.

Pith or no pith, your courteous and aristocratic communiqué was a fillip for everyone at my bedside. Doubtless you are a man of science yourself, for how else could you have grasped the technical complexities of Selman-Troytt's work sufficiently well to have appreciated their worth in so short a time since publication? That you should have been moved also to write something kind and supportive about them somewhere fills me with a such effervescent joy that I find myself able to breathe unaided for extra minutes at a time. Were Selman-Troytt alive today I am sure he would be similarly moved by your responses to his work. Let me express our deepest gratitude to you without reserve. As you go about your tasks today, know in your heart that there are a small number of very fragile and elderly persons who give thanks for you presence upon the earth.

As to your question: consider it unnecessary. Have no doubt that we regard you as a lifelong 'Friend' to this Society.

With kindest regards

Finlay Finlayson

Dictated to Sylvia Westbrook (Mrs)


Other-Not Shown

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Posted: 27.11.2007 04:47



COL 0800 021207 AST
ENDS ++++
Amanda Susan Thrippshorne,

Antigua And Barbuda

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Posted: 23.11.2007 17:30

This is all too much. Such loyalty and gratitude. I am overcome.

However, as you can see from my posting, I have since moved on to the white sands of Antigua. Where I am learning how to wait for a tickle at short leg, from Mr Curtley Ambrose.

I have left word in Ocho Rios that all mail is forwarded onto me in Antigua. Sadly, I fear, that the pewter trophy may have to follow me to Bouvet Island in the South Atlantic.

I have read the exciting news about Capt P. Badinage and his claim to have located the journals of \'Joshua\' Selman-Troytt.

There is a science vessel of the Norwegian Metrology Service which leaves tomorrow, investigating the Vela Incident, which in 1979 reported to be a Nuclean Aerial explosion or a metor strike. They have promised me passage to Mc Donald Island, on their way to Melbourne.

I think that Capt P Badinage must be mistaken and is probably referring to Joshia Selman-Troytt who we learn from Miss Felicity Lauiti Paenui (Nee Snodgrass) from her posting on this web site Friday, June 25th 1999, was interred in Methodist Chapel graveyard on Funafuti Tuvalu, in the South Pacific.

Surely it was Josiah who railed against his brother Jeremy (uncle of JST of note)that Capt P Badinage is referring to.

When Capt Lars Norkopping and his rough sailors, hoist me aboard their converted whaler for the six month voyage into uncharted waters, I will endeavour to write more.

Until then, its time for Mr Ambrose to bowl this maiden over.


English Harbour
23 Nov 2007
Amanda Susan Thrippshorne,


IP logged
Posted: 22.11.2007 23:06

I write from the warmth of a beach near Ocho Rios.

After many years as a loyal assistant to Mr Finlayson, I have been turned over for a young strumpet with furtive looks and a pneumatic bosom. Davina, indeed!

I who have, for these many years, researched the smallest of Mr Finlayson\'s auto-masturbatory prosthetic additions, cast aside, my firmer years behind me, to lay prostrate on this beach, oiled, massaged and otherwise fondled by native boys.

The ignominy.

Ochos Rios
22nd November 2007
Finlay replies:
Amanda? Is that you? What are you doing in Jamaica? I don't understand. When I last saw you, just as I was being loaded in the ambulance, everything was normal. You were seated at your desk, toasting a scone for breakfast. And now this. I cannot comprehend it. You simply must come back. Please. I have made you a beneficiary in my will. I have left you my pewter toast rack. It is very heavy and if you do not return I fear that shipping charges for it to Jamaica will be prohibitive. Davina is the niece of Sir Cuthbert Cuthbert. She is only one of twelve newly-recruited personal assistants. There is nothing sinister about her appointment, Amanda. She is a charming girl, but lacks your experience of our archiving system. Also, she has not your arm strength as her muscles have yet to develop. I beg you, Amanda ... come home. I am due to be discharged shortly, having regained sufficient strength in my legs to be able to stand for minutes at a time, but my distress at this news cause me to relapse. Amanda, dearest, please be in the office when I return. I cannot bear to think you will not be there.
(Dictated to Sylvia Westbrook (Mrs))

Amanda, come back at once! How dare you leave the office unattended when we are all occupied so constantly at the hospital! You are causing Mr Finlayson great distress. An assistant of your maturity and pedigree should be displaying more responsibility at such a trying time for us all. If the girls cannot look to you for leadership, then to whom should they look? I shall expect you on the next flight.

Sylvia Westbrook (Mrs)
Perciflage Badinage

Heard And Mc Donald Islands

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Posted: 22.11.2007 20:34

I am having this missive relayed to the wide world by an anoymous (to me) agent. Since somewhat distant and mostly barren landscape and in summer time below zero external temperatures, the bleakness of my surroundings leave often plenteous hours of self examination.

A world about my homeland.

No landing was made on the islands until March 1855, when sealers from the Corinthian led by Captain Erasmus Darwin Rogers went ashore, at a place called Oil Barrel Point. In the sealing period from 1855–1880, a number of American sealers spent a year or more on the island, living in appalling conditions in dark smelly huts, also at Oil Barrel Point. At its peak the community consisted of 200 people. By 1880, most of the seal population had been wiped out and the sealers left the island. In all, more than 100,000 barrels of elephant seal oil was produced during this period.

It was during this time that Joshua Selman-Troytt, in search of a good oil for putty sealant, spent 4 years stranded on Heard.

I have, in my posession, his hand written notes, journals, and mutterings. These all seem to focus on his rage and jealousy for his brother, Jeremy.

Should you wish to obtain these, send word by whaler, post restante, melbourne. Where from a cutter, or some other bark, may ferry me your response.

It may take some time for this mesage to come to you, as I am short of bottles, from which to cast this letter, hence, I have sealed it in to a cocoon made from volcanic basalt and penguin guano.

With God\'s speed and good fortune, it will make a good landfall.

P. Badinage (Capt, Retired)
Oil Barrel Point
Mc Donald Island.
15 March 1927.
Finlay replies:
Indeed, if true, this is exciting news, Captain Badinage! However, we are somewhat concerned over a minor inconsistency in your account, for Jeremy had no brother called Joshua. The only Joshua in the Selman-Troytt family was Jeremy's paternal grandfather. Irrespective of that, we cannot pass up the possibility that more Selman-Troytt memorabilia may come to light. Please package your papers in another guano-sealed container and commit them to the waves. We shall send word to you when they arrive.

Trusting this finds you still in good health, I remain

Yours faithfully

Sheridan Morpeth (Senior Archivist)
pp Mr Finlayson
Serchiviski (Leonid)

IP logged
Posted: 20.11.2007 16:03

In Moscow we stare bleakly at the future and drink the contents of our fire extinguishers in place of even the cheapest rubbing alcohol.

This is because most citizens are poor in spirit (ha ha!) as well as wealth, and have no prospects and no sense of humour. Beyond that, everything is fine.

If you are Russian you have the choice of being rich, brash, ruthless, vulgar, cold-hearted, cheap, and without taste ... or all of these.

I am all of these ...


Post Scriptovski. I am loving your new site look too much you Western decadent babes. Here in Moscow we have no problem with impotence, because no one can get erection when filled with 100% grain alcohol so women expect no better and are not disappointed. So instead of floppy cold intercourse in a freezing alley they try to look for hot UK passport held by bald, desperate Englishman.
claud reigns


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Posted: 06.09.2007 15:12

by the power of Mugabe we see magic worked upon the world, turning what was good and clean into something pestilential, corrupt and obscene.

Mugabe needs a consultation with this Selman-Troytt character, not only to prove to him that his brain is rotting but to explore why his foreskin is tougher than elephant hide. As far as i can see, the whole Mugabe administration suffered an explosive communal bowel movement a long time ago, and out of it stepped Robert.
Finlay replies: Umm ... well, quite. Fraternal greetings brother. We extend a gracious hand of welcome to all those who labour and suffer under despotic regimes.

If it's of any interest to anyone in Zimbabwe, we have Selman-Troytt's original callipers with which Mugabe's foreskin could be measured, as well as several tests to which it could be subjected to establish its toughness.

I hope that's a comfort to you Mr Reigns ...


IP logged
Posted: 07.05.2007 03:01

Hi all!
You are The Best!!!


Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

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Posted: 04.05.2007 04:22

Cheap ! Indeed, the nerve of the man.

Why must I be lambasted with such vitriol on your website.

This calumny committed against my person by your co-respondent Atpekarik, has somewhat upset the delicate nature of my well being.

Please discourage such outrageous vulgarities, in future. Otherwise, I shall be required to taken legal recourse against this website.

Miss Agnes Tramadol

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Although there is no definitive proof, The Selman-Troytt Postcard Emporium may be the oldest purveyor of E-cards on the Internet. A copy of our first Royal Warrant may be examined here. Since the granting of this illustrious award we have been patronised by numerous aristocrats, many of whom insist upon using Selman-Troytt cards to express the depth of their affections. Indeed many of our cards - particularly those concerned with incest - have been directly inspired by a close examination of aristocratic lifestyles.